I started to have a conversation with my 19 year old
son the other day. I say “started to” because both of us have reached a point
of mutual willingness to avoid the inevitable arguments we seem to fall in to
so easily these days. There is an invisible barrier in the communication
between him and his 37 year old mother which we both acknowledge but don’t
quite understand how to get around. The missing piece of this puzzle is what I
hold in the back of my mind. It is what prompted me (while I was gathering my
own textbooks in the bookstore after class) to purchase a copy of Guyland: The Perilous World Where Guys Become Men by Michael Kimmel.
I returned home, on this day, to find my son
comfortably posted up on my couch with a PS2 controller in hand. He had spent a
rare night in my home after babysitting his eight year old sister the previous
evening. It was his day off from work. I sat down in the armchair with my
coffee and scone, happy to see him, and peacefully enjoyed his presence. I
showed him the book that I bought with him in mind and explained that it was
being used as a textbook for some class. He was impressed saying, “You got it
for me? Thanks, Mom!” even as I started to read the introduction myself. We discussed
the poem in the beginning, about American boys, after I read it aloud to him.
He had laughed at some parts that didn’t strike me as amusing but I didn’t ask
why. We talked indirectly about the
relevance of young men’s issues (I have been using this word alot lately so I had to check it out. I found definition #3
quite interesting and kind of hilarious considering my choice of words here)
which led to topics that concern me lately and he gave me some good
insights.
I mentioned that more and more women were
complaining about the lack of male support for women’s issues. I have seen some
downright angry about this before the most recent presidential election. When I
thought about it, I realized that none of the men I know had anything to
volunteer about the “war on women”. He struggled to explain why it may be
harder for men to vocalize their feelings on the topics involving female
inequality. Understandably so, given that “feelings” are the undecided factor
that men seem to be out of touch with. He used himself as an example, “It’s why
I’m different sometimes, you know, because I grew up with mostly women.” He had
to learn later that, as a man, it is appropriate to be unemotional rather than
the alternative which, to him, seems like a lack of control over his emotions.
My understanding from the conversation is that he still views this as a
struggle. He understands that it is normal to have feelings but there doesn’t
seem to be an acceptable outlet for them. They are meant to be secret and this
is the secret that he learned, outside of my influence, in order to fit in.
I wonder how many other men are lucky enough to recognize
their true feelings. I don’t intend to discuss Judith Butler’s theories with
him (partly because I barely have a grasp myself) but I have to ask myself the
questions: How many are aware of the gender constructions that society guides
us into? If we weren’t divided into categories, would there even be an issue?
Is there any other way for us to move forward together? Thankfully, we have
moved past the day of the “man-hating radical feminist” but I wonder if her
shadow still lingers. Are men afraid to say the wrong thing? Men should be aware that they are also hurt by unequal treatment of women and they should be courageous in standing up for themselves.
As I said before, my son and I don’t like to stay on
one subject for long so as not to shatter the fragile vibe. We brushed the
surface of another interesting topic which I brought up by stating that I had
seen a young lady on campus early that morning, balancing a huge backpack on
her petite frame, wearing four inch platform boots. I joked that this was the
start to my dubbing, “Really?” as the Question of the Day, followed by,
“Seriously?” I had repeated this mantra a number of times in a two block
radius, so much that I felt the need to throw it out on Facebook. Due to the
fact that it was the first week of spring term, parking is unbearable without
the added insult of dual double-parking assholes outside of the campus coffee
house. Sarcasm was the only suitable release and it made me laugh as I said the
words out loud again and again. He thought it was funny, too, and didn’t banish
my Facebook status to the Realms of Uncoolness which is always a relief for a
mother.
This all led us to the subject of what motivates
women to wear certain clothes and/or makeup. He stated that it was purely for
the purpose of attracting men. (My mind vaguely questioned whether or not this
could be explained by some scholarly version of Freud’s phallic theory relating
to boys being socialized into thinking the world revolves around them). I asked
him what he thought about the idea that women do this sort of ritual as a
competition with and, therefore, only for other women. I thought he made a good
point by saying this still leads back to competing for male attention even
though I personally feel that I wear makeup simply because I like it. I am
capable of leaving the house without it so, in my mind, whether I choose to or
not has everything to do with me and nothing to do with attracting a man. I don’t know if I am one of those women who would cut off all her hair just to spite a man that told me not to, but I did think twice about cutting my hair off at the suggestion of my fiancé-just because it was his idea! Who am I to judge this girl wearing her heels to
class? It just doesn’t look comfortable to me but if you like it, I love it. I think we should be concerned, as women, about why we feel it is necessary to attack other women. We should be building each other up
instead, especially if we expect men to speak on it.
So, if anything, I feel that our society has evolved
into this cautious dance between men and women. It also seems that this will
change because the next generation already cares less about gender in their
fashion statements (think boys wearing skinny jeans, etc.)
It is good to
have my son as a resource and I intend to read Guyland when he is finished.
